Survivors of Incest Anonymous
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A New Awareness in the Healing Process  (written Nov 2013)

(Note: Contains 4-lettered language)
By:  Liz P.
Another flashback.  This one is severe.  The feelings are intense.....very intense.  The emotions are so strong I have a physical reaction.  My heart is beginning to skip beats.  My heart rhythm is escalating into tachycardia.  My adrenalin level is skyrocketing.
I am young.  Perhaps 10 or 11.  My brother, John, is out of control.  There is chaos and violence at home.  I am begging mom:  "Stop him.  Please, mom stop him.  He is torturing the cat.  Mom do something!"
Mom does not react.  It's as though she enjoys John's violence.  She enjoys his rage and the way he directs it at me or my sister or the cat.  He is throwing things.  He is putting holes in the wall.  He breaks my glasses when he throws something at my face.
This flashback started after a 12 step mtg.  It is 24 hours later and I am still in it.  It subsides a little, then is back.
As time goes on I feel an awareness that some healing is occurring.  I am awed, shocked and overwhelmed by how powerful and encompassing the personality is.  The flashback involved switching completely into a different personality.
I have a name for the personality ......."fuck-it".  She is one of my inner kids.  In the past she has taken over but I never knew when she was out.  This time my "adult" self caught a glimpse of her.  The "wall" of segregation has broken.
"Fuck-it" is larger than life.  She is a frightening pre-teen.  She is filled with extreme rage.  She was the inner kid that (I believe) saved my life.  Her anger and rage knew no bounds and there was no moral compass.  The more risky the behavior, the better.  She did not know fear.  She ruled all of me when she was "out."  Her violence was ALWAYS directed at herself.
What fills me with profound shock is that she is still present and can take over.  My "adult" self  who has always thought she had some, if not a lot, of control over the inner kids realizes there is no control when it comes to "fuck it".  She has enough rage to kill me.  I start shaking when I think of her reckless behavior and disregard for life. She acts out in a self-destructive way.
Today............................I will start a dialogue with "fuck it".  I will tell her I want to listen.  I will let her know I am her mom and I will keep her safe.  I will not allow her to harm herself or the other inner kids.  I want to know her and comfort her.
Today..........I can do this because I have a place to talk about  "fuck it" and know I will be understood.  Members of Survivors of Incest Anonymous will listen and they will not tell me I am crazy.  "Fuck it" is not crazy.  She is real and she deserves my attention and my protection.  We (the "we" of me) belong in SIA.