The Definition of Incest: Incest is an act of power against a child that takes a sexual form. It is the violation and betrayal of the sexual innocence of a child. We define incest to include: • Suggestive or seductive talk or behavior directed at a child • Any unwanted, invasive touching, including kissing, wrestling & tickling Non-medical enemas • Showing a child pornography or nudity • Sexual fondling, oral sex, sodomy and/or intercourse Incest survivors come from both sexes, all economic and social backgrounds, races, religions, nationalities, and sexual orientations. It is not uncommon for incest survivors to wonder if the experience really happened or if they imagined it. What is important for you to realize is that children DO NOT, on their own, imagine situations of sexual arousal or violation. That information is not within a child’s realm of knowledge. As an adult, if you think something happened, it probably did. The truth is shown by the emotions you feel as you try to remember. The emphasis of incest recovery is on understanding the violation of trust we experienced at the hands of those who were supposed to be our protectors. Incest perpetrators may have been our parents, older siblings, other family members, family friends, neighbors, and baby-sitters, members of the clergy, teachers, doctors or others in a position of authority over us as children. In circumstances where we were repeatedly exposed to our perpetrators, we lost what should have been our birthright, a safe place to grow up. Having to continue to associate with our perpetrators in our daily and nightly childhood lives, our ability to trust was destroyed. Our very childhood itself was betrayed. We lived in an environment of abuse so devastating that, to survive it, many have lived in denial that became amnesia, developed multiple personalities, physical illnesses, sexual obsessions, severe depression and/or suicidal tendencies. These were the survival techniques we used as very inventive children who were determined to live beyond our torment. We give thanks to our child who was, because he or she did whatever was necessary to allow us to survive the horror and to be alive today. But now it is necessary that we begin to leave behind survival techniques that no longer serve us. While most societies have maintained a sense of taboo regarding incest, in point of fact, the sense of taboo has not been in committing incest, but rather in talking about incest, especially by those who have experienced it. In meetings, we break this silence. Remember, we are only as sick as our secrets. We are a gathering of people determined to remember, to speak, to be heard and to heal. Above all, we guard our safety and privacy. What is shared here is not for gossip, comment, or outside conversation. Here in this room, we give voice to our secrets and heal. As we share our trust and rediscover our love, we want you to know that you are not to blame, and that you are not alone.

The Legacy of Incest: Many of us have common characteristics arising from incest. When the subject of incest or sexual abuse is mentioned, we may feel queasy, nauseous, or hostile, and tend to run away. Many of us have amnesia and cannot remember large portions of our childhoods. We may not remember the incest for decades. We often believe that childhood was a wonderful, pleasant, and happy time. Incest memories rarely appear intact. They are usually felt as if through a fog, or in fragments. The memories may appear at any time, triggered by a sound, voice, physical feeling, taste, touch, smell or emotion. The usual response is to try and deny and ignore what is being remembered. To stuff our pain, we often engage in compulsive behaviors, such as alcohol or drug abuse, eating disorders, compulsive spending, gambling, excessive exercise, sex addiction and work addiction. We may pick at our fingers or skin, cut ourselves or damage our bodies in other ways. Some of us may take the route of suicide. We are often out of touch with our feelings and bodies. We tend to feel isolated, uneasy and vulnerable around other people, especially authority figures. We tend to have difficulty and guilt feelings standing up for ourselves. We often have low self-esteem and may hate ourselves. Our lives may be a constant struggle to maintain control. Touch is often associated with powerlessness and love with control or being controlled. We have difficulty trusting. We may not even trust ourselves. We may be sexually shut down or promiscuous. Our relationships, when attempted, either duplicate the abuse of our childhood, or are with individuals whom we pity, want to rescue, or can control. We tend to dissociate during sex. Much of the time we travel in a state of hyper-vigilance. This hyper-vigilance creates a constant fear of attack. It can also cause us to be easily triggered. We are often bored or uncomfortable when life goes smoothly. We often sabotage ourselves and cause problems to stir things up. We may be addicted to adrenalin and excitement.

The Solution The solution is to become our own loving parent as we work in partnership with a higher power of our own understanding. As SIA becomes a place where we feel safe, we find the courage and strength to move out of isolation, to recover our feelings and memories, to reveal the incest and its many effects on us, and to work through the wreckage of the past. We become adults no longer imprisoned and driven unconsciously by childhood impulses and reactions. We recover and integrate our inner child or children, thus learning to accept and love ourselves fully. We work this program one day at a time with the help of our higher power, the 12 Steps, the 12 Traditions, the Serenity Prayer, meetings, sharing, writing, sponsors, the telephone, therapy, meditation, prayer, fellowship, and books. These tools enable us to progress from hurting, to healing, to helping. We learn to restructure our thinking and behavior. We learn to be actors, not reactors. We gradually regain the sanity, wholeness, and authenticity that were stolen from us by our perpetrators. In SIA we learn that incest and the interwoven family chaos traumatized us as children and left us traumatized as adults. We learn that we did not cause it and we could not control it. We learn to keep the focus on ourselves in the here and now. We learn to take responsibility for our lives today, and to supply our own parenting in partnership with a higher power.

Abbreviated SIA Guidelines for Safe Sharing 1. We do not allow perpetrators at SIA meetings. We may not talk about adult perpetrating behaviors--including sexual objectification--in practice or fantasy. 2. We do not name the person when we Identify and give feedback only when asked. 3. We talk in ‘I’ Statements. If you’re multiple or referring to you and your inner kids, let the group know that your “We” applies only to yourself. 4. We announce when reading or quoting non-SIA literature or sharing graphic memories. 5. We may express intense feelings or emotions through words, or sob, during the meeting. 6. We do not discriminate. Anger should be directed at the perpetrators specifically, not general groups. 7. We do not name-call, criticize, gossip, or violate communication boundaries. 8. We do not break anonymity about anything shared in or out of the meeting. 9. No Cross Talk while others speak, give advice, or attempt to comfort others. 10. If someone is triggering, we step out during their share, set boundaries, take the feelings back to the original abuse, and/or comfort our inner children. 11. Safety & Courtesy at Meetings (Virtual Meeting Reading) Please respect the sharing of others by keeping your device muted when not sharing. Avoid distracting movements/visual behaviors all can see. Please remember to act as if you are actually present with others in a room. 12. We do not make romantic or sexual advances towards any member. If these guidelines are not followed anyone may ask to reread the [full] guideline. If violations continue a Group Conscience Safety Check may be called. When situations repeatedly create a lack of safety, the group may ask a person to leave. When enforcing these guidelines, be gentle with each other and ourselves. (Updated 2 Feb 2022)

SIA CLOSING As we end this meeting, it is important for us to realize that no one here can tell us what we should or should not do. We must each decide our own course of recovery. In SIA, we do not give advice. Take what you like and leave the rest. Let their be no judgement or criticism of one another. Because we come together for support, it is important that we share, but let us always remember that what is said in this room must also stay in this room. Confidentiality is central to this program. SIA is an anonymous program; therefore, we must remain unidentified at the level of press, television, radio and films. If we meet outside a meeting, we must not jeopardize anyone’s anonymity by acknowledging each other as SIA members .Regardless of who abused us, how often, or what the nature of the abuse was, know that we are where we belong. Most of us suffer with many of the feelings and consequences as other abuse survivors.We want to remind you that each of us is a creative, courageous and caring person. Each day we deal with our incest experience, we will become stronger and come to recognize ourselves as survivors rather than incest victims. We are sorry that suffering brought us together. We hope you will feel the love we already have in our hearts for you. We know your pain. We want you to believe that you were not to blame, and you are not alone. We have come to the awesome realization that our pain is temporary, but denial and its consequences are forever. And if any one of us can recover, then so can all of us.

The 12 PROMISES of SIA 1. We will finally know freedom, happiness and serenity. 2. We will remember the past at last and walk freely away from it with our child intact. 3. We will comprehend the word "safety." 4. We will know sleep without fear. 5. No matter how terrible the incest, nor how devastating its effects, we will recover and become whole again. 6. That feeling of hopelessness and self-condemnation will disappear. 7. We will lose our sense of toxic shame and gain self-respect. 8. Revulsion will slip away. 9. Our perpetrators will no longer have any power over us. 10.Fear of love and sexuality will leave us. 11. We will intuitively know how to handle intimacy. 12. We will suddenly realize that we are alive, lovely, whole, sane and safe.