SIA Emotions & Anger Release Meeting Format Welcome to an emotions release meeting of Survivor’s of Incest Anonymous. My name is ______________; I am a survivor. We hope you will find here the hope, comradery and recovery that we have been privileged to experience. Please join me in the Serenity Prayer: God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference. To any newcomers to this emotion’s release meeting, welcome. Please be aware that this is a special meeting focused on emotions and anger release, not a regular SIA meeting. Know that this is a safe place to express anger and other feelings. This meeting is for adults who were abused as children. Pro-survivors are also welcome. This is a place to work on healing the wound of incest. (Now or a few minutes later when more have joined the meeting: Introduction round - first name) Would someone please read:

The Definition of Incest: Incest is an act of power against a child that takes a sexual form. It is the violation and betrayal of the sexual innocence of a child. We define incest to include: • Suggestive or seductive talk or behavior directed at a child • Any unwanted, invasive touching, including kissing, wrestling & tickling Non-medical enemas • Showing a child pornography or nudity • Sexual fondling, oral sex, sodomy and/or intercourse Incest survivors come from both sexes, all economic and social backgrounds, races, religions, nationalities, and sexual orientations. It is not uncommon for incest survivors to wonder if the experience really happened or if they imagined it. What is important for you to realize is that children DO NOT, on their own, imagine situations of sexual arousal or violation. That information is not within a child’s realm of knowledge. As an adult, if you think something happened, it probably did. The truth is shown by the emotions you feel as you try to remember. The emphasis of incest recovery is on understanding the violation of trust we experienced at the hands of those who were supposed to be our protectors. Incest perpetrators may have been our parents, older siblings, other family members, family friends, neighbors, and baby-sitters, members of the clergy, teachers, doctors or others in a position of authority over us as children. In circumstances where we were repeatedly exposed to our perpetrators, we lost what should have been our birthright, a safe place to grow up. Having to continue to associate with our perpetrators in our daily and nightly childhood lives, our ability to trust was destroyed. Our very childhood itself was betrayed. We lived in an environment of abuse so devastating that, to survive it, many have lived in denial that became amnesia, developed multiple personalities, physical illnesses, sexual obsessions, severe depression and/or suicidal tendencies. These were the survival techniques we used as very inventive children who were determined to live beyond our torment. We give thanks to our child who was, because he or she did whatever was necessary to allow us to survive the horror and to be alive today. But now it is necessary that we begin to leave behind survival techniques that no longer serve us. While most societies have maintained a sense of taboo regarding incest, in point of fact, the sense of taboo has not been in committing incest, but rather in talking about incest, especially by those who have experienced it. In meetings, we break this silence. Remember, we are only as sick as our secrets. We are a gathering of people determined to remember, to speak, to be heard and to heal. Above all, we guard our safety and privacy. What is shared here is not for gossip, comment, or outside conversation. Here in this room, we give voice to our secrets and heal. As we share our trust and rediscover our love, we want you to know that you are not to blame, and that you are not alone.

(the leader reads) We urge you to learn about the steps. They have helped many of us find solutions that lead to serenity. As we learn to place our problems in their true perspective, they lose their power to dominate our thoughts and our lives. Our life situations are bound to improve as we apply the SIA ideas. Without such spiritual guidance, living the victim role is too much for most of us. The SIA program is based on the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions, adapted from AA which we try to apply to our lives, along with our Slogans and The Serenity Prayer. SIA is an anonymous fellowship. Everything that is said here in the group meeting and member to member must be held in confidence. It is only in this way that we can openly and honestly share what is in our minds and hearts, for this is how we truly help each other in SIA. Would someone please read:

THE 12 STEPS OF SURVIVORS OF INCEST ANONYMOUS 1. We admitted we were powerless over the abuse, and the effects of the abuse, and that our lives had become unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a loving Higher Power greater than ourselves could restore hope, healing, and sanity. 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of a loving Higher Power as we understood Higher Power. 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves, the abuse, and its effects on our lives. We have no more secrets. 5. Admitted to a loving Higher Power, to ourselves, and to another human being our strengths and weaknesses. 6. Were entirely ready to have a loving Higher Power help us remove all the debilitating consequences of the abuse, and became willing to treat ourselves with respect, compassion, and acceptance. 7. Humbly and honestly asked a loving Higher Power to remove the unhealthy and self-defeating consequences stemming from the abuse. 8. Made a list of all the people we had harmed (of our own free will), especially ourselves and our inner child, and became willing to make amends to them all. 9. Made amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would result in physical, mental, spiritual or emotional harm to ourselves or others. 10. Continue to take responsibility for our own recovery, and when we find ourselves behaving in patterns still dictated by the abuse, promptly admit it. When we succeed, we promptly enjoy it. 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with ourselves and a loving Higher Power, as we understood Higher Power, asking only for knowledge of Higher Power’s will for us and the power and courage to carry that out. 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to other survivors and to practice these principles in all our endeavors.

. Why Anger Release As it says in our SIA Literature: When we first start dealing with the incest, we get in touch with intense pain and anger. We need to make some concrete expression of the fact that we have been victimized, that we did not deserve the abuse, and that the abuser was responsible. We have spent years denying and betraying our own feelings and perceptions. We were silenced for a long time. We heal ourselves by giving voice to that child who was inside of us. We were hurt, we deserved better and now we are recognizing it. We will not be intimidated into denying these emotional realities anymore. We will need time to remember, time to get angry, time to cry. We suffered so much, so long. We need our ‘day in the sun.’ We have often gone to extremes to avoid feeling anger. Most often we have exchanged guilt for anger and paid a very high price since guilt evokes self destructive behavior in many incest victims. We denied the feelings of anger, fear, resentment, and rejection that are connected with the incest, yet we continued to act on those feelings in our everyday lives. Many of us are terrified that if we get angry we’ll (lose) control since the adults we knew were often out of control….Anger isn’t destructive unless we deny or misdirect it. We are free to make choices about what we’ll DO with our anger. We can choose how to express our anger….there are ways to express anger without inflicting pain on anyone. In SIA we learn to focus our anger, directing it where it belongs rather than on ourselves...In the safe setting of an SIA meeting, we can learn how to place the anger squarely on the shoulders of our abusers. When we recognize our pain, anger naturally follows. Anger is a healthy and appropriate response to pain. The sense of unfairness, irretrievable opportunities, loss of innocence, feelings of being exploited, realizing that he or she got away with it, questions like, “Why should I be hurting still?” are all common responses and they make us angry. In other programs we are taught that anger only destroys the container it comes in, no matter how justified...we are taught that we can’t afford resentments...So far, the person we have resented the most has been ourselves. We have taken the blame and now we can’t afford to misdirect that anger anymore since the consequences have been so devastating in our lives...Anger directed at the appropriate people is healthy and redeems our pain. Once we have experienced self-love, anger closely follows. We’ve been hurt and no one had the right to hurt us; we didn’t deserve this abuse...We become honest about our feelings...We learn to honor our feelings. We learn to own our anger and to appreciate its value. This is one way we can make direct amends to our inner child and begin the healing process. In SIA we learn to express our anger...we give ourselves ultimate justice.

(the leader reads) Are there any announcements? Before Sharing The goal of this meeting is to give you a place to “lift up” your anger. At this meeting we find the support to express the anger we had to keep bottled up as children. We are encouraged to yell, scream and fight back against those who harmed us, rather than take our anger out on ourselves or on innocent bystanders. Allowing ourselves to direct the anger at the people who hurt us when we were children, and feeling the pain, fear and frustration associated with it is the only way out of the rage. We can use our creative ability to bring our perpetrators, alive or dead, in front of us here and we can strike back at them in anger. Many of us fear that if we let our anger out, it will overwhelm us and never stop. This is not the case. As you will see in the Emotions & Anger Release Meeting, anger once released loses its power over us and leaves us relieved rather than rageful. It also allows us to release the pain of the past that may have been masked by the anger. Sharing and Processing This is a good place to work on boundaries. Remember, the people processing are not angry at you and are not hitting you. Likewise, you can hit a punching bag without hurting yourself physically, mentally or spiritually. By following our guidelines, we make the meeting safe for everyone, including you. Would someone please read:

Guidelines for Sharing and Safety Safety and Courtesy at Virtual Meetings Please respect the sharing of others by keeping your device muted when not sharing. Avoid distracting movements/visual behaviors all can see. Do not use provocative screen saver photos, and do not take screenshots of anyone. Please remember to act as if you are actually present with others in a room. Intense Emotions This a safe place to express intense emotions including: anger, fear, hurt, pain, frustration, sadness and/or grief. Anyone may sob violently without interference and without risk of being asked to leave the room. In this meeting you may also safely express anger through words or physically during your share time. Caretaking Remember, playing caretaker is a method of control which is part of the symptom of incest. We are getting away from controlling and being controlled. We are here to feel and express our feelings and learn from them. Here we can share in a non-judgemental, non-critical, safe and supportive environment. Perpetration Issues During the sharing there are appropriate and inappropriate ways of expressing sexual feelings and issues. To be effective our meeting must be a safe place for sexual abuse survivors. Sharing on current or past adult perpetrating behavior, which is defined as sexually exploiting or objectifying others for personal pleasure, either in practice or in fantasy - including discussing pornography, is specifically disallowed. Please note that talking about what one was forced to do as a child is not considered perpetrating behavior nor is talking about being sexualized to have unwanted desires, being ashamed of those desires, or expressing anger or rage about past abuse that was done to the survivor.

We recognize that as a consequence of being sexually abused as children, some people will perpetrate as adults, in minor or major ways. We encourage those individuals to seek healing and counseling and support groups related specifically to perpetration issues. Boundaries While Processing or Sharing This is a No Cross Talk meeting. This means that no one in this meeting may respond directly or indirectly to another’s share during the meeting. Also, it is NOT OKAY to direct anger at any member of the group, including yourself. It is NOT OKAY to physically harm yourself or anyone else. Nor is it okay to share anger or criticism towards a group of people based on gender, ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion or disability. It is okay to share that you feel triggered by a group because they remind you of your perpetrator, but anger needs to be directed at the perpetrator specifically, not general groups. Safety while processing It is okay to express your emotions through words only in this meeting, however you are also free to yell, scream, and curse. You may hit, punch or pound on pillows, cushions, a bed, or punching bag. You can also hit these soft things with a bat, tennis racket, cane, stick etc….for safety reasons, always grip the racket or stick with two hands while processing and be careful not to throw the racket or let it fly out of your hands. You could squeeze and twist a towel or rag; tear up old magazines, catalogues, or phone books. Please be aware of safety issues and be careful not to harm yourself or others while processing or releasing anger. Violations of Safety and Sharing Guideline If someone feels that a perpetration issue is being shared or the guidelines as a whole or a section of the guidelines is being violated, anyone in the room may raise his or her hand and ask the secretary to reread the entire guidelines or a section of the guidelines. If the individual continues to share in a manner that violates these guidelines or a section of the guidelines a group action plan is described at the end of this meeting book.

(the leader reads) Now let us spend a few minutes stretching before we process. Be sure to stretch your neck, shoulders, back, arms and forearms. As the guidelines state this is a “No Crosstalk” meeting. Crosstalk consists of interrupting while others speak, commenting on what others have said when it is our turn to share, giving advice, attempting to comfort others or fix them when they are sharing on a very painful subject, and reminding others to identify themselves when they begin sharing. If anyone wishes for feedback on a question they may have they may ask for input after the meeting is over. No one in the meeting may respond directly or indirectly to another’s share during the meeting unless that person is in violation of the Guidelines for Sharing and Safety. Please note that any member of the group may enforce these guidelines via a gentle reminder. Would someone like to volunteer to time? Sharing time is 6 minutes, the timer will go off after 4 minutes with a wrap warning of 2 minutes.

(the leader reads) Closing Our time for sharing is now over. It is important to feel complete before leaving this room. If you didn’t get a chance to share, and still wish to do so, please share with someone after the meeting. Would someone please read:

The 12 PROMISES of SIA 1. We will finally know freedom, happiness and serenity. 2. We will remember the past at last and walk freely away from it with our child intact. 3. We will comprehend the word "safety." 4. We will know sleep without fear. 5. No matter how terrible the incest, nor how devastating its effects, we will recover and become whole again. 6. That feeling of hopelessness and self-condemnation will disappear. 7. We will lose our sense of toxic shame and gain self-respect. 8. Revulsion will slip away. 9. Our perpetrators will no longer have any power over us. 10.Fear of love and sexuality will leave us. 11. We will intuitively know how to handle intimacy. 12. We will suddenly realize that we are alive, lovely, whole, sane and safe.

As we bring this meeting to a close, I would like to thank those of you who shared and extend an invitation to all of you to join us again next week. A gentle reminder: The opinions expressed here were strictly those of the person who gave them. Take what you liked and leave the rest. The sharing you heard here today was spoken in confidence and should be treated as confidential. Conversation after the meeting is encouraged. However we ask ourselves permission before speaking about content shared during the meeting. For those of you who haven’t been with us long: please remember, whatever your problems, there are those among us that have them too. As you open your minds and hearts, you will soon discover that though you may not like all of us, you will love us in a very special way, the same way we already love you. Talk to one another, reason things out but let there be no gossip or criticism. Instead let the love and peace of the program grow in you one day at a time. I would like to thank ____________ for being our treasurer. In accordance with the 7th Tradition, every SIA group ought to be fully self supporting, declining outside contributions. There will be information in the chat about where to donate. We ask our Higher Power to keep safe those of us who are not here today. Please send them our support and let them know they are in our prayers. To prevent stiffening and sore muscles, we recommend stretching and a hot bath with epsom salts. Would all who care to please join me in the Serenity Prayer: God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.